i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
