you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Randomize
