i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
