I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
