This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
