Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Randomize
