don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
