I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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