if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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