i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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