Define "chronic" masturbator.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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