my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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