i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
