Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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