Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
