Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
