I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
