so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
we should paint friendship bongs
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
