its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
