That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
