Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
