The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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