I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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