Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
