i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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