Apparently you make a good broom.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
