I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize