tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
