His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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