My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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