we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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