Nicole vs. Life
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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