I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
