so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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