he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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