i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
