come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
