My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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