im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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