Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
