Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
