I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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