My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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