But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
