It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My liver just had a heart attack.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
