I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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