Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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