Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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