Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
