I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
do nipples grow back?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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