I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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