Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
