9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
