I faked an abortion last night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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