How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
