Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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