I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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