1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
