My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize