My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My day in three words: secret purse cake
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
