I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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