i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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