mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize