Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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