I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
how drunk are you?
Several
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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