My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize