Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
