My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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