You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Randomize
