Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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