the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
