My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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